i've attempted to read her journals before and found myself becoming frequently irritated, but i couldn't understand why. it took me a few months to realize it was because i felt like i was reading my own diary and it was too much for me to handle.
then, a couple weeks ago i felt the beginnings of an especially awful mental health episode coming on, and around 9 pm, completely spur of the moment, i convinced my boyfriend to go with me to buy the book. i felt that i absolutely had to read it to learn some detrimental information about myself that could prevent what i thought was an inevitable spiral.
the last open barnes and noble we went to did not have the book, and for whatever reason that set me off completely. i had a horrible breakdown, sobbing, telling my boyfriend they were hiding it from me. i felt that some force was stopping me from trying to save myself.
as soon as i got home i ordered the book in for pick up to a closer barnes and noble, and got it first thing the next morning.
since then i've spent every minute of free time annotating it, and the more i read, the more i find myself. there are certain passages that feel like swallowing a bucket of ice, and i'll lay awake with anxiety wracking my body.
i can't stop reading it; i feel that as soon as i stop i'll miss the vital piece of information that explains myself to me and cures me and saves me from sylvia's devastating death.
i feel now that she is also the last person i could've spoken to that would understand me.
this book is incredibly important but so heavy. has anyone else had such a strong "relationship" or connection to her journals?
by OkEntry1300
30 Comments
So, you want to save yourself by reading the journals of someone who couldn’t save herself?
I believe the urge to get help is a good one, but I strongly recommend getting help from a live human being who can truly interact with you.
Mental illness is a lot of things, but it’s mostly a lot of lies. This is a book sub, but you really need to be responsible for your mental health and put the book away. It will make your lies scream louder. Research therapists near you.
When you have breakdown imagining that some force is hiding a book from you, that’s when it’s time to get mental help. The reaction you’ve described is not healthy and you need to talk to a psychiatrist. These things will get worse if left untreated.
Just wanna say this happened to me as well. I read The Bell Jar in my early 20s and bought her unabridged journal soon after. I found myself re-reading passages, looking up her artwork, feeling a bizarre familiarity and connection I’ve never experienced with another author. I only have one tattoo and it’s dedicated to her fig tree allegory.
That being said, anyone that resonates with Sylvia Plath’s work on such a deep level needs therapy. As an adultier adult I realized that obsessively analyzing the thoughts and feelings of a troubled woman that unalived herself was not going to help me live a long and fulfilling life.
While it is comforting to feel seen and understood, it can also bring you to a much darker place when your negative feelings are validated by another. She couldn’t even save herself through her writing, so please do not expect her to save you. Take this familiarity as a sign that you need to speak to a professional.
I hope one day you can also look back on her writing and admire her while feeling less personal attachment. Well wishes to you, OP.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I lost family to suicide. I also have experienced psychosis and severe ptsd and depression and ocd. My sister had borderline personality disorder.
Your line/ “i can’t stop reading it; i feel that as soon as i stop i’ll miss the vital piece of information that explains myself to me and cures me and saves me from sylvia’s devastating death.”This is a clear cry for help.
Please get help. You are not reliving Sylvia Plath’s journey. We have help. Therapies she could not have comprehended, DBT, CBT, EMDR exist
I know the pull you are describing and that book will end and you will be left with nothing. Get a proper support system in place. You do not have to give into the lies mental illness feeds. The world is better with you in it. Text 988 or better yet call 988. There are warm lines available with real people who can talk to you about next steps on how to find care. Psychology Today lets you sort and filter therapists by specialty and insurance in your area. There are online options,
You deserve to live, you boyfriend deserves to not have his world crushed by you choosing to leave, Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, nothing is so big death is the solution Nothing is inredeemable.
You need professional help to feel better. You deserve it.
It would feel better and lead to more positive results for you to fan the flames of wonder, awe, and curiosity of a subject matter relevant to your interests that are conducive to growth than obsessively spiral inwards as you are doing. Spiral outwards and learn something perhaps nonfiction that fascinates you and makes the world feel larger, not smaller. There is nothing wrong with you, love. You will be ok. Please take care of yourself. Good luck to you
OP, you don’t need Sylvia Plath’s journals, you need an actual psychiatrist.
You had a breakdown in a bookstore because you thought that were “hiding” it from you. That is not by any means a normal reaction to *a book being out of stock*.
I get that you feel a connection to Plath through the journals but they aren’t going to “cure” you or “save” you. They’re just a dead woman’s diary.
Please get actual medical help.
There is hope for this! Someone living and breathing can help you! Please see a psych. I promise, it is the smart thing to do for your long-term well-being. I am only here in the land of the living because of two good psychiatrists and a great therapist. Also my wonderful parents. But my point is — seek help! It exists! You are suffering, and you deserve the help.
Hey.
I truly feel for you and how you are struggling.
I would just warn you to not jump into something that is painful, if you don’t have some sort of way to deal with the pain. Specially when you say that you feel like she is the last person you could’ve spoken to that would understand you, that is a very dangerous mindset to have.
Sometimes, when we’re not doing well, we think thinking about our pain or reading about similar situations will bring some sort of release. Like going through more pain (inflincting more pain on ourselves by reading a book that might be triggering or make us sink even more) will somehow bring enlightenment.
That’s usually our brains trying to keep us down, in the conforting space of the known and usual.
Please, if you can, talk to it about someone and try to see if you can maybe find another connection, a less painful one, with another person.
I’ve had the same experience with her poetry. Her writing can be hypnotizing, which is dangerous if you’re mentally unstable.
I agree with everyone else here. Mental health help and therapy may be a good idea. Please consider it. There is hope and beauty in this world too wonderful for you to miss by feeling this way. I wish you all the best. ❤️
Sylvia would have needed help but in those days it was next to impossible. As sure as Sylvia was unique, she is still relatable to many of us, including you!
Please speak to a professional 💕
OP, I think you need to talk to someone who is alive about your struggles so you can be understood and helped.
Gently: this is not about the book. It sounds like you’re having a manic episode and need help
I am saying with as much well intent as possible: please see a psychiatrists. You are listing symptoms that were asked of me when I was assessed by my psychiatrist. You possibly need medication to help balance your mind to understand what’s real and what’s not and temper obsessions. You might think you dont need it, but that’s the illness talking!!! Please please do not listen. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by it.
Uhhh I think this is beyond Reddit’s pay grade to help with…
This sounds like you could be experiencing psychosis, please speak to a professional and get help ASAP. I’ve been there.
I finally read The Bell Jar last year when I was prescribed antidepressants after a particularly bad patch. Felt like it genuinely helped, it was pretty relatable.
I’ve read the Unabridged Journals twice, both during mental health episodes. I can’t say that it helped the situation, but they were consequential and I am glad I read them. Hang in there OP. There are more books to read!
I always knew I needed professional help, and one of my first signs was the despair (and very deep connection I felt with Plath) after reading “The Bell Jar.”
My hope is that you take everyone’s comments to heart and seek a therapist or psychiatrist. Plath was a beautiful writer but clearly isn’t the person to rely on for mental health advice.
It’s crazy how much I can relate to this. It was almost as if I entered an altered video game where the character is me and everything she says and does is just fitting on a multiit of levels. I haven’t dared to touch it again after I noticed myself becoming so obs with her words, It was almost like playing the theme she mentions in my real life and we all know how the book ends and I was so sure that I will end up the same the day I finish it therefore I set it down bcoz I am not ready now. But OP I feel you in my heart.
hey OP, I agree with everyone else saying now is the time for mental health treatment. when I was at my worst, right before i had my first and last psychotic episode, my thinking patterns were exactly the same as yours and the smallest things could set me off. i’m so sorry you’re going through this right now and if you need to talk or anything you can dm me
Sylvia Plath’s suicide attempt that succeeded was a cry for help. Read the circumstances of it. Consider that you, too, are crying for help.
Your boyfriend needs to grow a spine and tell you this.
This is a mental health episode and you need to make sure you have a regular therapist. There’s nothing wrong with having a deep connection to an author, especially in a world where feminist thought is so demonized, but this is not healthy and you deserve help.
Dear, the answer is not in those diaries or here on Reddit. You are seeking something that with love and support you can find. You are worthy of peace and health. Please turn to one person you trust and ask for help. You can do this!
Anyone can relate to someone else’s thoughts and Sylvia Plath resonates with a lot of people, however, you are not going to get meaningful help by looking for a hidden meaning or solution in a book.
You sound like you have multiple mental health struggles going on currently, but if your mental health is getting poor enough to start having paranoid conspiratorial thoughts like ‘the bookstore staff are intentionally hiding the book I want from me’ and ‘there must be a hidden message in her journal that will explain to me who I am’ it suggests that you need intervention ASAP.
Go to your GP and explain and get a referral to a psychiatrist and have a proper assessment done. Start on the recommended medication and have regular psychology sessions. Best of luck and I hope you get help soon.
OP, I deal with this kind of paranoia. While it can seem helpful to hear from someone like Sylvia, she cannot actually help you. You shouldn’t be reading this book without also seeing a professional. It might help reading it in your current state or it might just end up hurting you worse in the long run. You won’t know without an unbiased, living human with expertise to help you. This is not going to get better just by communing with Sylvia.
How she get a boyfriend? Life is truly unfair. 🙄🙄🙄