My wife is 27 weeks pregnant and starting to feel anxious about labor pains as the third trimester approaches. I’d love to find a book (or books) that can help her feel more positive and prepared—something realistic but uplifting, not making promises that can’t be kept.
Bonus points if it’s a book I can read aloud to her, as we enjoy that together.
I also want to be the best support I can be, both now and during the birth. Are there any books that helped you or your partner prepare for the emotional and practical sides of childbirth?
Thanks
by bnico94
17 Comments
Look for Ina May Gaskin’s books. Also, unrelated to books, look into hiring a local, reputable doula.
I loved Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin, and her other works, for normalizing birth and helping me feel less fearful.
I also read a ton of birth stories online and watched videos.
I read a hypnotherapy birthing book—I can’t remember the title, but it helped me feel a little more in control. There are a bunch out there. The epidural was also pretty great! Lol Doing some prenatal yoga helped, too. It is normal to be scared, but the docs and nurses are going to be awesome and know how to help.
Can I give an anti-recommendation? I found that *Hypnobirthing* had a lot of questionable advice and set unrealistic expectations for how labour and delivery would feel and could be managed. There are some pretty good pain management tips but that’s as far as it goes.
I second the above rec to hire a birth doula if possible! Having someone there whose sole job is to support her/you will be incredible helpful, AND they will know about the birth process so they can keep you in the know about what to expect and what is happening. It was worth every penny for my birthing experience.
Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn: The Complete Guide by Simkin et al. Wonderful resource for different types of birth, preparation, etc. (and includes a chapter for how someone accompanying can help support while delivering).
I’d be afraid too. Pregnancy and birth is a lot more dangerous than anything men do, like, say fighting in World War II or extreme sports or racing cars.
Gay dude here. Props to all the brave women.
Have you taken any childbirth classes? You can find some online. Might help if she gets some professional guidance on what’s coming
Labor & delivery nurse Jan Hamilton on Instagram & TikTok gives excellent advice! She also has a book coming out called Birth Vibes, but not til May. Please consider taking the Bradley Method of Husband-Coached birthing classes, made a huge difference in my 2nd natural birth, and I’ve used the techniques to deal with pain ever since.
I’m autistic and have an extreme fear of childbirth. The only thing I’ve come across that started to make me think I could do it is The Naked Doula. She has a great IG page and I think books and flashcards and all kinds of resources.
Everybody Poops. Because it’s probably going to happen during labor.
I recommend the birth ed course (birth-ed.co.uk). It teaches how to navigate all kinds of choices and situations leading up to and during birth, as well as facts about physiological birth and hypnobirthing techniques. It’s not one of those courses that promises a pain free birth or promotes one kind of birth. Unfortunately not a book, though!
You might try Heidi Murkoff’s “What To Expect When You’re Expecting”. My sister and brother in law swore by it when they had their first child. It was like their Bible.
Fear often comes from not knowing what’s coming next. If someone has a clear idea of what to expect, then a lot of the fear goes away.
My sister‘s daughter-in-law had her first baby last year. That girl had continuous self-administered pain relief through an IV for the whole labor, start to finish.
I don’t have a book recommendation but I have given birth by c-section (first kid) and naturally with no pain medications (second kid) and I understand your wife’s fear of the pain since she’s never experienced it.
In hindsight, I strongly preferred the natural birth because I was up and walking around with my baby the next day, I marveled at this freedom since the c-section was a major abdominal surgery and greatly inhibited my movement and recovery was painful, putting a bit of a damper on what should have been a happy time.
Ok so I don’t think you are contemplating a c-section, just sharing that perspective that recovery was a challenge and messed with those first few weeks of parenting.
As for the pain of vaginal birth, here is something that helped me face it. Most of the pain we know is pain from injury. We fear that because we fear the injury also. But the pain associated with child birth is not from injury, it’s pain with a purpose. That pain is caused by contractions to open up her body to bring that baby into the world. It does hurt, but it’s not like getting an injury—it’s a unique type of pain that has an exciting, rollercoaster element to it since it repeats and gets more intense over time. After a while there becomes an inevitability to it, she will want it to continue to get the baby out!
Also if you are not taking pain medications, you get to experience endorphins released for pain management by your body as a “reward” for going through the contractions. The endorphins made me spacey and feel high. It was enjoyable but not extreme. Took the edge off so I didn’t fear the process. It was like having tunnel vision versus having full awareness on a normal day. If you take pain medications, you won’t notice an endorphin effect because the pain medication is stronger than the endorphin pathway (iirc).
Remember: pain with a purpose. Her body is made to do this. She can do this. If she needs or wants medical intervention, that’s not failure. (I had a surprise c-section!). She will forget the pain but not the birth process. I can’t recall the pain, just the amazingly interesting process of going through birth and meeting my kiddos. She will do great.
I had birth trauma from my first and second so I was really needing some peace for my third pregnancy – decided on a doula and doing hypnobabies and I was so chiiiiiiillllllllll. I wish I had hypnosis for after the baby being born – ha!
I read all kind of books prior to my first baby. When it happened though, it hurt like hell for most of 13 hours. What I discovered between that birth without epidural and the second birth with epidural, is that a book would not have helped me. But that epidural was awesome. Once it was given, there was no pain. One other thing to keep in mind, there is a rare subset of women who experience very little pain. So if they tell you that it won’t hurt, take that noise with a grain of salt and an epidural.