Hi all — I’m hoping you can help me find a book to recommend to my close friend.
He is far from an incel or manosphere guy, however he entertains concerning thoughts every now and then, and his participation in some of our conversations feels very “male-perspective”. He recently realized that he’s only ever read books or listened to stories that feel like they’re by men, about men, for men.
I’d love to suggest a book that:
- Is written by a woman or centers a female protagonist
- Still resonates with themes he likes: endurance, meaning, struggle, transformation, identity
- Feels serious and intellectually engaging
- Ideally challenges or adds to his worldview without feeling preachy or “anti-him”
I’ve thought about memoirs like Annapurna but would love something more modern. Authors like Brené Brown or Esther Perel are on my radar, but I’m also very open to fiction, literary nonfiction, philosophy-adjacent works, or memoirs.
Basically: a book that could expand his emotional and moral imagination without triggering an eye-roll.
Some more on the guy:
He’s very into “manosphere-adjacent” podcasts (Joe Rogan, Sam Harris, Rich Roll, etc.) Some of his stand out reads that he’ll occasionally reference include:
- Rules for Life
- The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F\ck*
- Breathe
- Finding Ultra
- No Country for Old Men
He’s into fitness, the outdoors, personal growth, suffering, mindset, and spirituality. He is a creative person and sees himself as philosophical, but from my perspective, lacks the ability to really see things from any perspective other than his own, or gets too introspective/self-oriented.
by LidlSasquatch
14 Comments
Check out Anita Moorjani’s Dying to be Me. It ticks all of those boxes. See what you think.
Just spitballing, but maybe Grit by Angela Duckworth?
I can’t say I particularly remember anything gendered, but it is a female author providing an evidence based look at perseverance.
The prompt is a bit challenging for me because while I am a dude who branched out from mostly male authors to much more balanced, and usually feel the writing styles have differences, I’m still not really thinking about anything in the way that you’re asking for? It’s kind of hard to pull stuff back from that angle.
I who have never known men by Jacqueline harpman. The author is a Jewish psychologist who survived the holocaust. The book is very holocaust metaphorical but explores the human psyche from a blank slate perspective and has some of the best prose I’ve read in a minute. Its not a feminist book by any means, but a powerful book from a “woman’s” perspective.
I’m a 53y/o dude with decades of martial arts and a lot of power tools, I grew up in politic and power fights, and as much as I try to become more civilized and in spite of decades of help from lovely friends, I’m still quite rustic in many ways
HOWEVER I deeply connect with the poetry of Emily Dickinson, Elizabeth Jennings, Sylvia Plath, …
You may do better capturing the attention and warming the heart of the scared child inside your friend’s Wallmart sale armor.
I’m not sure if this is exactly what you’re looking for, but maybe he would be interested in *The Incarnations* by Susan Barker.
It’s written by a female author and its perspective shifts between a few characters, and I think it does a good job of contrasting the female and male experiences. The story is set in China and moves throughout history, and it deals with themes of mental health, identity, politics, and sexuality.
The main character is a male cab driver named Wang, but much of the book is told from the perspective of a mysterious figure who’s been reincarnated through the ages, and both this person and Wang’s genders have varied throughout their multiple lives. So the story really engenders a lot of empathy for a variety of people, from concubines during the Ming Dynasty to a couple of young school girls during the Cultural Revolution.
It’s a really beautifully written book that tells a great overarching story but is also filled with individual stories that are extremely compelling on their own.
The Adventures of Amina Al Sarafi
Joe Rogan means he’s in the manosphere, whether you or him wants to admit that. He’ll probably relate more to books that aren’t by or about women, but that can start to open up his mind like *Flowers for Algernon*, *Ishmael*, *A Fine Balance*, and *I Know This Much Is True*. Then maybe he’d be interested in reading more by those authors, like *She’s Come Undone* and *The Minds of Billy Millegan*, both of which include protagonists/subjects that are outside of his lived experience (yet are still by male authors). It’s been discussed here before how beautifully Wally Lamb writes his female protagonist in *She’s Come Undone* and that she’s so believable even though Lamb is and always has lived as a man (he’s said his ability to write female characters is due to having grown up surrounded by women, so it’s an additional layer of empathy your friend could learn, through the exploration of the author. It could be a great read for you to do together so you can bring up more about the author, including the bomb that *She’s Come Undone* was his FIRST novel – in a female voice! – which I’d wait to drop until you’ve finished the book.)
Only after reading more about lives he has no connection to would I then introduce him to female authors. And I have to be honest, I don’t think Brene Brown is a jumping off point. She is the opposite of Joe Rogan and it’s probably going to push him in the other direction. I can’t put my finger on why I think it might be a good book for him by a female author, but *Reading Lolita in Tehran* is coming to mind. Maybe because he thinks of himself as a philosophical person. If he is, he’ll be interested in the themes of this book and look more deeply into himself. And if he’s sincerely invested in personal growth, he’ll find great value in this memoir.
I’d actually read the books in the order I listed them, too. They flow nicely into each other and set him up for success when he gets to *Reading Lolita in Tehran*. They aren’t all non-fiction though, which is part of the struggle he’s having now. He isn’t putting himself in a character’s shoes. He needs to work that muscle, it’s not being used and you’re seeing that in his inability to empathize with *your* perspective.
Whatever you end up choosing, I hope he does read it and takes something away from it.
From lost to found
I know this guy, I would just give up or just go full tilt and I give him a copy of Invisible Women, and tell him to stop being so self important. God speed
The Earthsea books, LeGuin
Mary Roach’s stuff
Guards! Guards! Terry Pratchett (this one is not written by a woman or about a woman but there are reasons I am suggesting it here. Depending on his taste and interests it might be my first suggestion.
(Also, if he’s into Rogan etc. he’s in the manosphere.)
-Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach
Memoir:
-UnCULTured, Daniella Mestyanek-Young
Literary Fiction: The Poisonwood Bible
What about The Fifth Season by N K Jemisin? It’s a harsh fantasy apocalyptic setting and has the classic ‘chosen one with extra powers’ plot hook, but also centres on a main character who is a woman, an older woman at that, and a mother no less who deals with some pretty specific female-related traumas (TW: >! Her child is murdered by her husband when the little boy shows signs of having powers!<)
It’s award winning and very well regarded so it wouldn’t give off ‘let’s learn about women’s struggles’ vibes.
First thing that comes to mind is Educated by Tara Westover. Truly amazing memoir about a young woman raised in a survivalist family and how she eventually breaks away to forge her own path. Grit, growth, all great stuff that I think subtly sends the message that men don’t have an exclusive claim on these issues of inner strength and the search for identity in a sometimes hostile-feeling world.
Parable of the Sower, by Octavia Butler