Books for escaping from/dealing with survivor’s guilt

I was meant to be at the Bondi Chanukah event that was attacked two days ago.

I don’t want to get into specifics but during the attack I received a call from someone who was then shot, pleading for help but there was nothing I could do to help her. She is now recovering well.

I know several of the dead and am quite close with some of the wounded.

I don’t know how to put how I feel into words. I wish I had been there to help in some tangible way, I have advanced first aid training always carry a tourniquet on me and am horrified that I could have saved someone. But at the same time I feel so guilty for wishing that because I know that everyone who was there has experienced so much more horror than I ever will.

A friend who was there added me to a group chat of people in our friend group who were involved in that event, they are all sharing coping mechanisms and and planning get-togethers to support each other. But I feel like an imposter for my vicarious trauma. They were all there. Their lives were on the line while I was safe at home.

Psychology/therapy hasn’t worked the best for me in the past but I’m definitely going to give it another go following this, even if just to help me put my feelings into words.

The past couple days I have been unable to sleep at night without sleeping pills, I’ve been going from blood donation centre to blood donation centre trying to find some way to help but they are all at capacity. When I’m around people I lose track of conversations and zone out and bring myself back by just feeling my own pulse. When I’m walking I feel like my head is floating or locked in place while my body is still moving.

In the meantime are there any books you know that can help me escape for the moment or actually process these feelings?

Sorry if this was too much of a trauma-dump I started writing and just couldn’t stop. Maybe I should have posted this on r/offmychest instead.