Today’s reading from I’m Not Teaching You to Be Devious by Liu Yong talks about a very interesting idea:
Sometimes help isn’t really help.
In social situations, people may offer assistance, advice, or opportunities. On the surface it looks generous. But occasionally, there may be hidden expectations behind it.
Maybe they want influence.
Maybe they want control.
Maybe they expect something in return later.
This doesn’t mean every act of help is suspicious. Many people are genuinely generous.
But the book suggests that understanding motivations is an important part of navigating the world.
One thing I appreciate about this book is that it’s not teaching manipulation — it’s teaching awareness.
Personally, I think many of us only learn this lesson after a few experiences in life or work. When we’re younger, it’s easy to assume that every helpful person simply wants to help.
Experience slowly teaches us that human motivations can be more complicated.
I’m curious about others’ experiences:
Have you ever accepted help from someone and later realized they expected something in return?
by Lilynicelegable
3 Comments
My first thought was fairly naive- people just like to help! While this is totally real, there is often also an expectation of reciprocation.
I have had this experience myself. Had someone offer more than I wanted for hospitality and then come back years later expecting way more than I was willing to give. This left me feeling pretty gross, guilty, and kind of violated. Its a tough one for me, who loves to help but needs space and autonomy.
sounds like a masterclass in human nature. trust but verify, right? life’s basically just a never-ending game of quid pro quo.
I think everyone has experienced a situation where you accept help and then later realize that the other person expects something in return. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with thinking “Oh, I helped that person out before, maybe they’ll be willing to help me, now.” I think that’s pretty normal human nature, and someone coming to me later doesn’t make me feel any particular way. If someone asks me to return a favor and I’m able to, I do. Why wouldn’t I? I’m not upset that someone might want me to return a favor.
If someone doesn’t return a favor, that’s okay, too. They’re not obligated to unless we had some kind of agreement. But I’m also not obligated to give further favors to people who don’t offer favors back. I offer to help people where I can, but I’m also going to start to notice if I’m always offering help to a person and they’re never offering help back. None of this seems weird, to me?