I have always been an honor student ever since I could remember. I’m 15 and in Grade 9. I checked my grades today, all of them excel except for one. In our school, 88 is the minimum required to get into the honors. I got an 87.
I’m a lonely person with anxiety who has to take antipsychotic medicines. I don’t have a life outside of school. You can tell me that I should change my perspective and accept it. But that isn’t easy. Its not like ill change anyways and that ill adapt a diff perspective ksi this is the perspective that i had for 15 years. How will I feel comfortable with u people if they make me feel that there is something very wrong with me.
They always make me feel that my exisistence is inferior to theirs or im too inexperienced (like a “baby”) or that what my mind tells me is bullshit. To me, it isn’t cause I have all the right to feel this way.
These numbers have a very high value to me. It makes me feel confident about myself, unlike people who make me feel otherwise. If I have a different mindset then this wouldn’t matter, the problem is I don’t. If I had more than my consistent honor roll grades, which now I don’t have, I’d feel better cuz I’d have more things to care about in my life.
Well I don’t.
So it seems like hald of the world fell apart.
So, no. It’s not about the grades. It’s just a part of it, a small part of it.
It’s not because I failed to make it into the honor roll. It’s about how I failed in life (cuz i feel so miserable).
My acads are everything to me. And I recognize that to be one of my faults. You can say that I should try to change or some shit. Yes, that is an important advice. But it won’t remove all the years that I spent being miserable. And even if I change or something, I’II still feel miserable cuz of how miserable I used to feel.
I know so many people who excel academically (even better than me) and still have a life and i dont even have one outside of acads and this happened. Its frustrating how they can be a normal teen with so much experiences, friends, girlfriends, confidence, social skills, as well as maintaing being an honor student.
Wrote this after walking 3km from school to a mall just to watch a movie. Then I walked to a nearby park afterwards then I felt so miserable being surrounded by same age people in groups, playing a sport, dancing, and merely hanging out while I’m with no one but my thoughts, my self degrading, insecure, and constantly yearning thought. I used to compensate my status as an honor student to brush off my ineptitude and what I don’t have. But now, I don’t even have that anymore. It has been days but I feel worse each day.
Now suggest me a book
by downfor_you-isup