Any books for those grieving a parent they had a rough or traumatic relationship with (and still loved anyway)?

TW: Grief, parental loss, substance abuse, depressive disorders, childhood trauma

—

**TL;DR *Any books for those grieving a parent they had a rough or traumatic relationship with and still loved anyway?***

Hello everyone,

It feels really weird to post this. I found out late Saturday evening that my father had passed several states away. He struggled severely with alcoholism, manic-depressive disorder, SAD, cigarette addiction, and other forms of substance abuse. He was in my and my sister’s life early on for post-divorce visitations. We have an extremely complicated relationship with him and so does his own family (who he had a traumatic relationship with in the past, despite their material support of him). Because of rifts in the family, we had gone no contact with his as well; they were the ones who reached out to us. A wake will be held in our home state.

We are unsure how he passed, though I am under the impression it was likely due to wear-and-tear on his body over the years. Some people wonder if it might have been self-inflicted. My father died alone and in no contact with his daughters for several years. We did it for our own safety, as his episodes (which would often get aggressive as well) were severe. I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I don’t have a cause of death at this point in time. He was found after several days.

I am in my mid-20s, have married and moved, and had tried at most points throughout my life to keep a relationship with him despite his struggles. I am extremely upset about the fact that he died alone and without comfort. I loved him so much despite his illnesses and addictions.

It is extremely hard working through these emotions. When things were good for us all, they were good; he helped shape a large part of who I am, what I admire, and what I aspire towards today. When things went bad, they were *really bad*, and I had to experience adultification at a young age to bear the worst parts. As I got older, I tried to keep contact; I watched his mind slip further as I grew older. It got to a point where I would maneuver the conversation as if with someone who had little recognition of themselves or others at all. I loved him, but the dad I knew as a child wasn’t around anymore. I loved him because I knew things would have been different if he wasn’t so sick.

I have never gone through this in my life. I want to pick up some books to help navigate the grieving process specific to children who lose their parents early on in life, but am hesitant to approach books that explore a parent-child dynamic much healthier than ours. I do not have a solid support in his family due to loss of contact over the years. My mom is supportive but emotionally restrained due to her own pains associated with him. I want to read the perspective of those who had a rough relationship with their parents and still loved them anyway.

by caulfieldly