F20 for the past years i feel i have cultivated some really bad and toxic behavioural traits , relations , mental modals but it’s high time and rhis is not the person i want to become so i have decided i want to be better and start working on myself…i know where i am going wrong but i dont know how to improve them. fyi i cant afford a therapist so internet and reading is all that can help me but i have kinda figured out what are the things that are deterring my mental health…for the last 2 years i had very little social interaction as the institute i am in isnt very crowded and most of the crowd here is of people whose goals and hobbies dont align with mine. i dont wanna look down on anyone but i have tried vibing with them and it’s not working. whenver i try to crack a joke they get offended and at the end of the day i am the bad person…they also presume that i think very highly of myself which i dont but idk and it makes me feel weird…other than that i live in a pg which again isnt very crowded and the ppl i interact with here are better but again im having some problems with them like for me a friend is a friend and is someone you trust and rely on but one of my friends keep on passing some snarky comments towards me which only i notice and idk it makes me really question myself if what im feeling is real or not and i dont know how to handle those comments and when i tried to convey my feelings to them they started apologizing in a way which made me feel if i was wrong in feeling that and they were oh it was not my intentiom and whatever….once or twice i was crying in fron of them and i told them that ik im a bad person but im not that terrible and on that they said oh atleast u r self aware…idk how to feel about this situation and this really made me feeling like a piece of shit again ik i cant be like those goody shoes even if i try to id be pretending that and that is unhealthy too so idk how to navigate through this…. there are many more things but lemme list what i think the issue with myself is
– i dont have a strong perception of myself due to which whatever other say about me makes me question myself. the thing is idk how people perceive me and how my actions would be perceived by others and cause of this i act selfishly at places where i shouldnt it’s basically idk how to react in a social situations ….also im not a bad bad person but i am a bit chaotic and i dont want to be a goody shoes either but i am surrounded by goody shoes kids which again makes me question myself if i am the baddest kid in the whole world which again im not but idk how to make peace with that and have a strong perception of self so that others words and behaviours dont make my inner self go frenzy
– at times i feel my friends are jealous of me or they are gossiping about me behind my back and sometimes there are signs that they are and idk how to handle this either and some of these people have a very goody shoes personality so that again makes me question myself if what im feeling is right or wrong and idk how to identify whose intentions are genuine or not
– my father has cheated on my mother and was very strict with studies and i felt like i was chained to them so idk maybe some of it arises from there?
– honestly all this feels like im lost and dont know what to do and i get panicked and im scared if i’ll start getting panic attacks
– i am scared about future and even a small situation that could threaten my perception future stresses me a lot which makes me angry and react in aggresive manner
– i dont have a calm and patient mind
please help idk what to do and i cant afford a therapist so any book that’ll help me with any of these will be helpful or any advice that worked with you guys would be needed
by Old_Calligrapher7913