Being jealous of a past I didn’t have

I find myself ruminating, from time to time, over a past I didn’t have..
Specifically when a close person or a partner talks about their many sexual experiences, parties, roommates, male friends (in my case) I cannot help but thinking the person had a lot of fun.. sadly I didn’t, not to certain extents at least, and it hits me honestly.. sometimes it gets highly irrational to the point of being triggered by stories I know were toxic, bad or in general situations I wouldn’t enjoy if they were happening to me.. and still..

Now in my early 30’s I chase those experiences in an attempt to somehow compensate what I didn’t live in my 20’s, knowing it isn’t the solution but ultimately thinking that “bad sex” (in the sense of not building strong emotional connection with it) is still better than no sex..

Any book on it..? On jealousy i guess and more specific if it exists i have no idea.. Thanks..

by juoly