TL;DR: My niece is struggling with severe issues, takes advantage of help given, and my parents have exhausted all avenues to support her, including therapy, medications, and boundaries. The local shelter is unsafe, due to gang activity and there’s a real danger of exploitation. My parents are sacrificing their well-being, and I’m looking for book recommendations to help them accept that they can’t help someone unwilling to be helped.
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Backstory: My niece is 18 and has been putting my parents through absolute hell. We had been very close up until a year ago when all hell broke loose. I have set boundaries with her, and have all but removed her from my life, however, my parents don't have the same luxury. They’re in their 60s and have had custody of her since she was 7. About a year ago, when she was 17, she got caught stealing from a major box store, three locations in one day. She was charged with burglary for posing as an employee, and stealing thousands of dollars in tech products. She then claimed she was going to harm herself, which led to a 3-day stay in a mental health facility (5150), to avoid being arrested. From there, she bounced between behavioral rehab programs, completing them "successfully," but my parents, who are already struggling to make their mortgage, ended up spending over $15,000 on these programs. The charges against her were either dropped, or her record is being sealed, all because she completed some community service.
Now that she’s 18, things have only gotten worse. She smokes weed and vapes in their house, steals money from them, and keeps getting kicked out, only to return again. She’s bounced between her biological mom's house a few hours away (where her mom pays her in weed to do chores) and my parents’ house. Her mom is convinced she needs to join the military, who absolutely won't take her because of numerous reasons, including severe asthma. She’s also not welcome at my brother’s house (locally) anymore, as she broke his rules, too. My niece has been diagnosed with BPD, depression, anxiety, and ADHD. She lies, steals, has a spending addiction, and frequently meets up with random men off instagram. She buys flavored vapes (illegal in CA) and resells them to make money. She’s been applying for jobs but only managed to hold one for two weeks before getting fired for “unknown reasons.” Her hygiene is terrible and she leaves used tampons all over the place in her room, rewears dirty shit stained underwear, and she self-harms by piercing herself.
We’ve cleaned out her bedroom and car (which has been taken away at this point) countless times. Filling 7–10 large 50-gallon trash bags each time, probably over 40 in a year now. She’s been “kicked out” repeatedly for not following the rules, but my parents keep giving her “final chances”.. I think we’re on the sixth one now. They’ve tried things like taking the door off her bedroom and setting strict rules, but none of it seems to matter to her.
Meanwhile, my dad has been struggling with his health and has been out of work for three years. He’s still looking for a job every day. My mom is under the burden of finances and trying to hold the family together as the matriarch. My parents’ main fear is that my niece will follow her mother’s path into prostitution or end up trafficked. There is a shelter available for teens, but it’s known as a place where gangs recruit girls, and my niece would easily be persuaded to leave with anyone who offers her affection or attention.
My mom has read a few books on BPD, which helped her gain a basic understanding of the disorder, but that doesn’t mean my niece is going to change her behavior. Lots of therapy does happen, individual and family. My niece sees a psychiatrist for medication she rarely takes. My parents keep hoping that hitting rock bottom will be the turning point, but each time she comes back "ready to follow the rules", things just fall apart again a week later. I think what will happen, is my niece will end up arrested and will down the road spend time in prison for a number of different possible reasons, but until that happens… my parents need help.
Here’s where I need help: I’m looking for book recommendations for my parents, something that can help them navigate this situation and, more importantly, help them realize that what they’re doing isn’t really helping her. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. My parents deserve to stop being victims in their own home.
by TomiStays