I love reading and talking about books with people, but man it really bums me out when I love and emotionally connected with a book and recommend it to a friend, family member, or my significant other and have them come back with “yeah, it was okay…”
There’s a small part of me that’s like, huh, if I really connected with this character and saw myself in this story and you didn’t like it, does that mean you don’t like me/the inner me?
I know everyone has different tastes and experiences, and therefore relate to things differently. However, I still feel sad if I recommend a book I love to my partner and they don’t care for it.
How do you all separate from your emotional connection to a book when discussing it/recommending it to others?
by MiischiefManaged
12 Comments
I feel this for sure! But not everyone has the taste and class that we have! What’s the book, BTW?
This is exactly why I stopped recommending books and films to people 😅 I pour my soul into suggesting something that changed how I see the world, and they come back with, yeah, it was fine. So yeah, I’m done. My enlightenment is now a solo journey.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve released that tastes are highly personal. Tastes in books, movies, music…You don’t really need to worry or mind if other people don’t get your tastes. They are different people with different life experiences and a different perspective.
I remind myself that there are books that others have loved and recommended highly that I didn’t care for. It doesn’t change anything about how I feel about the person that recommended it or their importance in my life.
Not everyone’s cup of tea, but my husband recommended This Is How You Lose The Time War to me, and it’s now my favorite book of all time. I’ve read it about six times now and find new themes each time.
Then he gave it to his mum for Christmas. Soul destroying dinner talk that has yet to end…
Aw don’t stop discussing and recommending books! If you like a book because you personally connected with a character, they may not personally connect (because they don’t see themselves like you see yourself). How often have you connected with a book because it reminds you of someone else?
And some people, like me, don’t connect to a book because of seeing themselves. I don’t think I ever have. I connect to a book because there is something beautiful in it, like the language or theme or just a good story, or humor, etc.
It can still be fun and worthwhile to discuss what you loved or liked or didn’t like about something. Its worth discussing even if you aren’t in total agreement.
You are not the author.
Your taste in books is not a defining feature of your personality.
Once those two bits settle in, you won’t be phased by someone not enjoying what you’ve recommended to them.
Tell them why you connected to the book. What resonated with you? Why do you think the other person would enjoy, or have, the same experience?
I only have a couple people I trade book recs with (because I know our taste overlaps a lot), and I only recommend a small number of the books I read, because this feeling does kind of suck. But at the end of the day I treat a recommendation like a gift – I got this for you because I thought you’d like it, but if you don’t then that’s not really my problem.
The other thing is that I want people to be honest about their opinions when they read something I liked! As long as they have generally good taste and are interesting, thoughtful people, I always like hearing why somebody didn’t like something I liked. Sometimes they just didn’t vibe with the story, sometimes they have legitimate criticisms that I can agree with but that are just easier for me to forgive for whatever reason. Like I can enjoy a book that is super light on plot or paced very slowly as long as the prose and characters are good, but some people find books like that hella boring. (I loved Martyr! too btw!)
Yeah, I don’t usually put my love for a work in seeing myself in a work. I love the work for the work.
But one also has to work on disconnecting one’s tastes from the self, and that’s not always easy.
Its the same as music, I like x, and my partner likes y. Some songs I can relate to on a deep level and he can understand that, but they just don’t click the same way for him as they do for me. We also have the same, the other way around. I can understand that he likes the lyrics but the melody or even the heel genre just doesnt work for me. That’s okay. We don’t love each other any less.
Eh. You are not the book. They can not love the book and still love you.
Reading is such an internal, personal activity. Sometimes books resonate with you and sometimes they don’t. I wouldn’t take it personally when someone doesn’t live a book you love.
My son and I are very close. He absolutely loved Stoner and East of Eden. I thought they were okay. I love The Education of Little Tree. My son was not impressed by that one.
But we both adore on Watership Down. So, go figure. 🤷♀️