I 21f, have a deep fear of mixing my 2 persona's and worlds I have created myself, and I dont know how to fix or live with it peacefully. I have created this closed off character in front of my parents, mostly my mother because I have a deep deep fear of being seen by them. I have built thick walls through out my teenage years because I feel like everything I've done will be judged by them and refused to be understand by them. In front of my friends and lover I am a complete different person with personality opinions and vulnerable feelings. But in front of my mom im scared to expose my true self. I always feel like I need to prove myself to be better in front of them to let them know im not who they think I was. Being in a different culture doesnt help as well since east asians really priorities family and traditional values, which clashes with me because im white washed due to moving to UK since I was 15.
Recently, my sister told me I have to put that mentality aside due to her getting married soon and she wants to invite both me and my boyfriend to the wedding. Which im happy but also terrified about. This means I have to mix my two personas together in the same place and the mere thought of it is enough to make my hands cold and very nauseus. I need help. I need understanding. And I need a book about this.
by chicken_kebab_