I don’t how to explain what I need because I can’t see what I’m doing wrong but I know I need to fix it because I’m tired of hurting people. I’ve had many people in my life tell me that I can be mean. Oftentimes, when I think I’m just relaying my thought, it’s interpreted as mean or… I don’t know? Rude? Snarky? I am never saying hateful things. It’s always just talking about, whatever. In my head, it’s simply normal conversation. I can’t really even give many examples so that doesn’t help. One phrase my partner says is “I just want you to speak kind to me” but I don’t know how what I’m saying is unkind. I ask him to point out what he doesn’t like to help me understand and he doesn’t really give me direction. Maybe it’s my tone? Is there such a book to help with tones when speaking? Or emotional regulation help books? Maybe I am putting more emotion behind what I say than I can hear myself.
Yall, help me be a kinder person. A gentler person. I’m tired of being a walking razor blade. Thanks.
by emehav
4 Comments
Pro tip: go with self help workbooks instead of just self help books. You will much better integrate the knowledge you read that way.
I don’t have any books reccs for you, just solidarity. I can relate. I’ve been called judgemental, mean, caustic my whole life so I feel you. I’m not trying to be those things, but I’ve come to realize that oftentimes people don’t actually want input on the things they have going on. They want ears.
This is still something I’ve struggled a lot with. I’ve been in therapy for several years and it’s helped a lot. I’ve learned that often you have to pause before you respond and consider the words you’re going to say. Are you giving unsolicited feedback on a decision someone else made? Are you trying to convey your own feelings about a situation? Can you rephrase what you want to say in a way that will help them connect with you vs isolate and target them?
If it’s possible, i recommend getting into therapy. It will help you understand why you respond to people the way you do and how you can relearn and reframe it.
A book that helped me a lot with this is Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler.
It helped me understand how things I thought were neutral or straightforward could come across as harsh, especially in close relationships. The focus is on tone, emotional awareness, and how intent doesn’t always match impact.
It gave me practical tools to communicate clearly and honestly without hurting ppl. It honestly helped me get across my messages way more effectively.
Any chance you’re on the spectrum? Or your partner has some neurodivergence too? An “all-business” delivery can sound rude to some people when an autistic person is just being straightforward. And some people with ADHD have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which can make them hear criticism where there isn’t any.