Once upon a time I was living a life that looked successful and stable from the outside. I was engaged, living independently, and achieving a lot with my academics and career. Prior to entering founiversity, I had read over a hundred books that made me think I had the world figured out. I was never satisfied, continuing to overachieve and perform for external validation…. internally I felt empty, disconnected, and unsure that I even wanted to live this life that felt meaningless. In hindsight, I can see that I was already struggling with a lack of identity and belonging, especially as an Indigenous person trying to exist within a colonial and often prejudiced environment where I didn’t feel fully seen for who I was and where i came from. Then came the series of painful life lessons. My best friend died, and I don’t think I ever allowed myself to fully process that loss. After that period, many of the external structures that defined me crumbles. I lost the relationship, my education, my place i lived in, and the sense of direction I had relied on. I experienced homelessness, severe depression, suicidality, trauma triggers, and long periods of executive dysfunction and isolation for years. I kept unsuccessfully trying to rebuild what i lost and eventually gave up. I was also still carrying unresolved grief for my best friend and for the only relationship that made me feel safe and understood. Everything i worked for, was gone. I ended up trying to end my life. What feels important to name, though, is that even at my lowest points I kept trying to understand myself and my pain. I turned to journaling, reflection, and deep introspection. I didn’t completely shut down emotionally, I became more curious about why I was suffering and how my mind worked. That curiosity is what built my emotional intelligence. I learned how to painfully sit in shame and examine difficult feelings, faced my innermost demons, and recognized unhealthy patterns. I learned how to have compassion for myself and for other people that I previously lacked. I also notice a significant shift in my values. Earlier in my life I measured my worth through achievement and external stability, often comparing myself to others, but now I find meaning in things that feel more authentic…. learning, self love, small moments of connection, being kind, and continuing to grow. I have a level of gratitude for being alive that didn’t have before, because I know what it feels like to not want to exist. I look back at what I endured with such amazement now. Even though I am still figuring out what i want out of life, I am not in the same mindset I was in before. I have survived experiences that I once thought would destroy me. I have developed insight, empathy, and the ability to reflect on my experiences in a way that helps me make meaning out of them. I am proud of myself. I have a sense of worthiness that does not need comparison or validation. The most valuable lessons that changed me the most were not learned from a book or seminar. In therapy, I still need to process my grief. I also need support with building a more solid identity. I have already done a lot of deep internal work and that my capacity for reflection, learning, and growth is one of my core strengths. I have significantly reduced anxiety, nightmares and insomnia that I was able to get off prescription medication. My day to day life today isn't filled with anxiety fueled productivity, but rather lived slower and calmer with more intention
by Salt_Might5245