The title is the very short version of what is happening right now. I lost my father, my best friend and favorite person in the world 11 days ago. He was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer in early February and passed away within five weeks. He was extremely healthy, and this has been absolutely horrifying to experience.
I have a history of mental illness, including suicidal ideation, anxiety, depression, OCD… I have a longtime therapist as well as a psychiatrist. I am on a low dose of Lexapro, which has kept me from feeling this low, but it’s all catching up to me and I just don’t understand the point in sticking around right now (to be clear, I have no plan or intention of hurting myself. It’s passive ideation which I have experienced many, many times and my mental health care team is aware of this). I know that it would torture my family who is already going through so much grief, but I don’t believe in sticking around for other people. I have been numbing myself with alcohol, but that is no longer an option and I just need to feel relief. Or hope. I don’t know what I believe in and it scares me.
I am starting grief counseling on April 1, but my birthday is a few days after that and my dad always made it really special so I know it’s going to be really hard. I love to read, so did he. I just need some suggestions.
by janetsnakehole135