Not all self help books are created equal, and I think it’s a shame that this book gets collectively lumped in with all of these other ridiculous “strategy” books (eg: I know people who put it in the same category as 48 laws of power). I sometimes wonder if Carnegie made the title so manipulative sounding on purpose as to intentionally attract people who were under the impression you had to be cold and ruthless to get ahead in life and business, as that was probably as dominant a view then as it is now. Just reading the title, you would think it would be in the same vein as a Robert Greene book, when in reality, the advice mostly comes down to that people will want to be around you if you don’t excessively criticize, are genuinely interested in what they have to say, and make them feel appreciated.
I mean this is the opposite of manipulation. In fact, Carnegie repeatedly emphasizes that interest in others must be genuine, as flattery is a form of inauthenticity and will make you come across as manipulative, turning people away from you. A lot of the advice centers on simple humility, like frequently acknowledging that you may not know everything and gently letting someone find out they’re wrong if you are sure that’s the case, as aggressively correcting them will wound their pride, just causing them to double down on their stance.
Are there some kind of cheap tricks in this book? Sure. Chief among them is frequently calling people by their name to demonstrate that you care about them, something that sounds great in theory and I’ve heard has some psychological backing, yet I still find incredibly annoying when it is being done to me by a salesman. Like yes, I get it, you know my name; can you please get on with what you’re trying to sell me?
I’ve heard that, in many ways, how to win friends and influence people was the first self help book and set the template for the genre. If so, I seriously wish subsequent self help books had stuck closer to that template. I think maybe the better book to see as the template would be Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. That book, published the following year, revolved around positive visualization pseudoscience and shaky anecdotes, with a message at least partly coming down to “you’re not rich because you’re not believing you can be rich hard enough.”
How to win friends, on the other hand, was a pretty practical, empathetic, and seemingly timeless book. I think it was really refreshing having read this genuinely helpful, minimally manipulative advice and would strongly recommend.
by bigben1234567890