August 2025
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    I’ve heard nothing but good things about this book so I was excited to read it, but I’m pretty disappointed 🙁 I’m sure it was really revolutionary in the 90s, but at best it has aged incredibly poorly.

    First of all, what are De Becker’s qualifications/ education? Everything I read online skips from the abuse he suffered as a child to starting his consulting firm. Personal experience is important, but he has no background in psychology/criminal justice/ social work? I am truly curious what his authority is.

    I don’t doubt De Becker is a highly intelligent person either. It’s clear he’s great at explaining social concepts in understandable terms, and relating them using storytelling, but I wish he included some more relevant data/evidence as well. There is lots of data regarding the prevalence of violence against women in the book, but not much relating that to his theories. At that, much of the data is unsourced. It’s true that 1 in 4 women experience intimate partner violence, but citing something would give him a lot more credibility.

    He even parrots the Margaret Atwood quote “men are afraid that women will laugh at them, women are afraid that men will kill them” as basically just something he heard once. Doesn’t mention her by name, or that it was from another author.

    I also caught on to quite a victim blame-y attitude early on , but figured that the was kind of the nature of the book. I had to stop reading for my own sanity during the chapter on DV however. “The first time a woman is hit, she is a victim and the second time, she is a volunteer.” Are you fucking kidding me?

    I also wanted to provide and look for other women’s perspectives on this, since most of the negative reviews i’ve read have been from men.

    Im about 3/4 through the book, is it even worth finishing?

    by SpectreDaughter

    31 Comments

    1. From what you wrote (i haven’t read it) i was out there living these ideas when he published, and they were not common yet. Since then, we’ve named and dissected all kinds of power. I think you nailed it with “revolutionary in the 90s.”

    2. I read the book and I’m actually ok with it. In a world of Elizabeth Holmes’, I care less for qualifications but more on my personal litmus test and my lens of ‘Does this theory make sense and is sound enough’. Of course I also discard lots of things that don’t seem convincing to me in the book.

      As for the victim blaming part, I only saw it from this angle – ‘whatever happened to you might not be your fault but healing from it is your responsibility ‘. Unfortunately my experience so far, from certain incidents and some women I’ve seen, confirmed this to me.

      Some women are prone to being abused because the women is forgiving, mild-mannered and willing to look the the other way when injustice happens towards her. On the contrary, women who created a ruckus when they perceived even slight disrespect or abuse the first time around had the perpetrators back down and rather behave around them atleast. Enduring abuse or disrespect often acts as an enabling action by the victim (although not deliberately done) and creates a sense of security in the perpetrator that victim will stay around no matter what.

      In an ideal world, abuser wouldn’t abuse but in real world, we prefer to remove victim from situation rather than hope that abuser changes his ways.

    3. At first I thought you were talking about The Gift of Pain, which I heard a fascinating radio interview about. But then I realized you’re talking about something else entirely.

    4. PsychologicalLuck343 on

      I’ve had this book for over a decade but haven’t read it. It’s going in the trash tonight. Fuck that guy.

    5. Criminals and assholes won’t change. You can only change your behavior to do your best to avoid them.

    6. I won’t lie, this book gave me a panic attack. After he started going in to the horrors of serial killers I decided that all the wisdom and validation I needed came from the first few chapters and the book had served its purpose in my life.

      His authority is that he owns a private security company (body guards) and his stories come from interviewing clients. The book is an *incredibly* effective marketing tool for his company. So, do with that what you will.

    7. Tanagrabelle on

      Certain men don’t like this book for the usual reason. You might be being too harsh on it. Nowadays the book people want is “why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft.

    8. Scientist_Thin on

      I dont agree with the dv quote either, its gross. I did get a lot of value out of at least the first part if the book. It opened my eyes to how my own behaviour can invite dangerous people including being conditioned to be polite.

    9. KimBrrr1975 on

      I enjoyed the book, but I also grew up in the 80s so there might be something to that. I couldn’t say what his education might be or if he eve has one, but if the CIA, SCOTUS, and Secret Service trust his knowledge, then I’m ok with using random stuff from his book to make some sense of the people around me. Sometimes life experience ends up counting for more. I mean, Steve Jobs didn’t go to college but I don’t think anyone can argue that he ran a pretty successful business.

    10. I found the discussion of the signals that indicate danger really chilling. The unsolicited promise, forced teaming, typecasting, discounting no, etc.

    11. tiredpiratess on

      I got a lot out of this book. Yea some of the DV stuff aged badly, but I do think his insights into different behaviors and how and when to trust our gut are useful and I have since noticed times when I felt a situation was “off” and was later able to look back and notice things that were giving clues to a potentially bad situation. If anything I felt like the book helps women have permission to go out and live their lives and not have to be constantly afraid, because it simultaneously gives them permission to act on their fear without first rationalizing it or subjecting it to a social lens- so they can extricate themselves from bad situations in time.

    12. Brilliant-Delay1410 on

      I understand the criticism, and you make valid points about his company and lack of sources. There was awful lot of anecdotes.

      However, I think it is almost required reading for everyone, especially young females.

      The indicators, trusting intuition, how to avoid getting in situations I thought were all great advice.

      For example the elevator scenario; don’t get in one with someone who gives you a bad vibe.

      Or doing everything to avoid being taken to a secondary location.

    13. Pnkrkg6644 on

      Things I liked
      “Trust your gut/instincts”
      Things I hated
      The rest of the book

      And yet that first part has probably saved my life. So… on balance a worthwhile book?

    14. Rattlesnake_Mullet on

      I skipped some parts but the chapter about famous people and their stalkers was fascinating imo.

      The part about the 16 year old girl shooting the famous baseball player (if I remember correctly) and the part where they are hunting the stalker of a famous actress and find THREE other stalkers in the woods behind her house instead.

      Remember reading this and thinking, fuck, being famous is hell.

    15. avidreader_1410 on

      As a woman, who read both The Gift of Fear, and Protecting the Gift, I think deBecker offers good advice – yes there were several anecdotes, but basically he is saying listen to your gut, as far as you can, take charge of your personal security and don’t allow yourself to be socialized or “guilted” into situations that your gut is telling you are potentially dangerous.

    16. HillbillygalSD on

      I had my daughter read it before she left home for college. I think it’s worth reading if for no other purpose than to emphasize that we should trust our instincts. We shouldn’t be afraid to refuse someone’s company or “help” just because we want to seem nice and not come across as a beyotch. I actually needed to hear that myself.

    17. Technicolor_Reindeer on

      Woman here. I was also disappointed by the book, glad I’m not alone. I found myself zoning out a lot while reading it.

    18. gonegonegoneaway211 on

      Tangentially related, but I also want to recommend *The Unthinkable: Who Survives When Disaster Strikes – and Why* by Amanda Ripley as a good book to read after *The Gift of Fear*. The interesting thing about it is that it sorta tackles a different series of dangerous events, more your crowd crush/terrorist attack type things, and highlights situations where people’s instincts absolutely suck.

      It took reading that book to make me realize that Gavin de Becker’s main argument is really that most people are very good at reading other people. You can generally sense when a situation with a person is off, even if you can’t articulate why.

      Whereas if a plane just hit your office building, unless somebody has already put down a good evac plan and forced you to practice it a bunch (Cyril Richard Rescorla is a hero!), then your brain is going to freak out as old evolutionary patterns not well adapted to the situation misfire.

    19. I found the writing style rather stilted and repetitive. I think he could have used a different editor. I also thought the emphasis on stories of woe just helps people who latch onto the ideas of the worst-case scenario. I don’t find that helpful, partly because these stories lodge in my brain and take up space, but also because I don’t like when people tell me to be wary just because a random person went through something.

      More importantly, for me: I already have great intuition. The REASON I ignored it is definitely because my upbringing forced me to be passive. I learned from repeated experiences that I just need to go ahead and speak my mind, name the obvious dynamics of a situation, and don’t be afraid to just turn around and stop engaging.

      Once you get burned enough times to recognize patterns and ignore bullshit, this book becomes redundant. It so heavily emphasizes dark situations, but in reality, for most women like myself, the issue is just the mundane, subtle interactions that get us into trouble. That, and not being willing to say “No” and leave when a person wants to take advantage, or has already forced you into a bad situation.

      As for being in abuse already: That has its own strategies. That is a separate issue from avoiding abusive people. And even then, the magnetism of abusers might also lie in your own history/psychology. Uncovering that blind spot takes longer, and using that to your advantage is only possible if you have room in your life to pursue better people and safer situations.

      But honestly, the quality of the writing and the structure of the book were my #1 dislikes. Still not understanding why everyone recommends this. Kind of feels like it goes in the pile with “Men Are from Mars, Women are from Venus” and maybe even some of Eckhart Tolle’s books. Opens the mind of young teenagers and older people who missed out on that knowledge. Contains a great deal of fluff, though. For those who have lots of reference points and exposure to critical thinking, it can be too easy, unfortunately, to write off the wisdom and discount the author if it’s obvious that their lens is myopic and that others provide bigger, and more unique, revelations.

    20. AbroadResident1077 on

      Soooooooooooooooo…. A friend lent me A Gift of Fear, and I struggled to swallow my rage through chapter one. So much victim blaming, unsubstantiated nonsense!! Yeah, at 10 you were able to trust your gut to work through all the predictive signs your mom was gun happy?? The actual fuck? Lol! Self-help and Self-defense are a shit mix!!! Should I read further, or will I find myself tearing out all my hair in the process??

    21. I am sorry to read this. It seems you have read it with a solid worldview and personal expectation though. That isn’t to criticize you, but your paragraph here makes me strongly believe this:

      “First of all, what are De Becker’s qualifications/ education? Everything I read online skips from the abuse he suffered as a child to starting his consulting firm. Personal experience is important, but he has no background in psychology/criminal justice/ social work? I am truly curious what his authority is.”

      Yes, credentials are important–if not, invaluable–to being able to have valid input into a topic. However, experience is also as important and invaluable. By the sounds of it, you would agree with this? So you have two elements that are crucial in being able to provide valid input on a topic. Someone can learn every facet of psychology via academic means but if they have personally experienced the elements of which they are going to discuss as a career, how much more an expert would it make them?

      The above approach isn’t foreign to any profession or professional. A boxer can train more than any other boxer in a gym, but if he is never exposed to actual combat against someone who wants to basically destroy him, his training is useless. So too, if he goes straight into combat without undertaking any type of training, does he possess any proper skill to fight a skilled boxer? Unlikely.

      So, why I think you read The Gift of Fear with a solid worldview and personal expectation is because you seem to limit credentials in this “field” to the likes of psychologists, social workers, etc, and are likely dismissing De Becker because he doesn’t hold credentials in these areas but does so in a “consulting firm”. Of what and to whom does De Becker consult though? Amongst many, people a) who have been victims of violence, and b) who want to prevent being victims of violence. While he may not be a psychologist or a social worker himself, De Becker has been exposed to, trained in, and built a company around…violence prevention. Partially, how he has done that is because he has worked in close proximity with psychologists, criminal justice workers, and social workers since his teens–yes, teens.

      De Becker has been responsible for organising and advising on the protection of celebrities who have obsessed fans, judges who have revenge-filled enemies, wealthy families who have had threats or attempts of kidnapping, victims of domestic violence, children who were or were almost abused; you name it. It is because of this that numerous policing agencies at both State and Federal levels, judicial systems, Executive Protection firms, victims of violence organisations, child protection organisations, etc, engage and utilise De Becker and/or his materials to combat and prevent violence. Gavin De Becker’s experience and credentials to be considered an expert in this field are evident. If he were ineffective at this, yet a master at marketing only, you would know only of his books but his services and his firm would not be repeatedly utilised by the various communities and individuals as just mentioned. This is not the case however.

      One final thing: I encourage you to reread the book with an open view mind if you can, because I (in Protection and LE) and many others I know (in Protection and LE) who have been exposed to De Becker would interpret the quote: “The first time a woman is hit, she is a victim and the second time, she is a volunteer” exactly as he explains it in his book, of which you have omitted:

      “Invariably, after a television interview or speech in which I say this, I hear from people who feel I don’t understand the dynamic of battery, that I don’t understand the “syndrome.” In fact, I have a deep and personal understanding of the syndrome, but I never pass up an opportunity to make clear that staying is a choice. Of those who argue that it isn’t, I ask: Is it a choice when a woman finally does leave, or is there some syndrome to explain leaving as if it too is involuntary? I believe it is critical for a woman to view staying as a choice, for only then can leaving be viewed as a choice and an option.”

      We see “…a volunteer” as the victim NOT putting their foot down after the first act of violence and leaving that relationship or environment where the choice so presents itself. De Becker isn’t talking about a person locked up in a basement who can’t leave. He is talking about a person who has the choice to leave, but doesn’t. Now, you may or may not say, “it’s not that easy” as many do say and you’d and they’d be right, but there is a choice and that choice must be made, and the consequences dealt with properly. If you recall, De Becker also criticizes most policing services’ attempts to enact Domestic Violence Orders and other means as almost useless and even harmful. Again, he is saying that a victim who actually has a choice to leave after an act of violence should do so and engage and follow proper measures to prevent any further violence.

      We in Security, Law Enforcement, Protection, etc–those exposed to violence frequently–laud De Becker’s works and for good reason. I hope this has helped a little for you.

    22. I thought it was one of the top ten books I ever read. I recommended it to my attorney friend and he thought it was great too. One of DeBecker’s talents is telling whether or not a threat is real or fake. “…what are De Becker’s qualifications/ education?” His job is to protect folks from dangerous people.

      He cites specific incidents in which people ignored their gut because the thoughts they experienced seemed silly or politically incorrect, and trouble ensued as a result. What I liked is that he delineates the subtle clues that result in our worried feelings, and how we short circuit them. You feel like you should lock your car doors, but dismiss it as silly. Then somebody pulls open the door and attacks you. The subtle clue just on the edge of consciousness was a sudden movement in the rear view mirror in your peripheral vision.

      I’m not surprised that modern people accuse him of victim blaming. I feel like lots of youngsters today would accuse a captain of victim blaming if he recommended that his soldiers wear flak jackets.

      For more about the power of intuition, read “Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking.” For more about how intuition cannot be trusted, read “Thinking, Fast and Slow.”

      I think that what lots of readers miss is that sometimes intuition is good, and sometimes it’s not. Trust it when it’s good, distrust it when it’s not. How do we know the difference? Well, that’s the real question isn’t it? Start with trusting those feelings of unease when you think you should lock your door or not walk down a dark alley.

    23. I love the book. Trusting one’s instincts and being self-reliant. I’m a woman, I don’t disagree even with the controversial parts you’re quoting, but I’ve never had much patience for victimhood, not even when my own brain has attempted to dabble in it. 

    24. narshnarshnarsh on

      I realize I’m crazy late to this, but thank you for posting. I was just about to buy this book for research but something about it just felt…off. Now, thanks to you, I’m glad I saved my time & money. Sorry you had to read it tho

    25. TheChocolateWarOf74 on

      GDB appeared on Oprah more than once. That’s sadly all the qualifications some needed.

      Oprah peddled an excess of bunk. Require more.

      I would not personally recommend his book to anyone. Regardless of what he says he spends his time hyper focused on stranger danger, as many did in the 1980s & 90s. It was a misguided notion that resulted in other harms.

      When considering that most crimes against women and children are at the hands of someone they know, I have no idea why so many people think it should be required reading for all young women.

      It opens with a story of SA and attempted murder by a stranger while noting how a woman ignored her intuition.

      Serial killers.

      Strangers in elevators…

      He’s promoting irrational fears about some of the most statistically rare crimes.

      Of course I wouldn’t tell people NOT to listen to that voice or feeling telling them something is wrong.

      I also wouldn’t hyper focus on stranger danger.

    26. Margaret Atwood didn’t actually say the quote as written. She said that she asked a few male friends what really scared them about women and they said that they would be laughed at. She asked a group of women and they overwhelming said that they were scared a man would kill them. De Becker was the one to write the sentiment as it is quoted.

    27. Significant_Owl_9383 on

      I’ve read 6.5 pages and had to stop. I don’t want to say I had full judgment of the whole book, just that it wasn’t sitting right with me. Usually I read through and sometimes books get better, I at least try to give it a chance anyhow, but then I started reading reviews and noticed there was good reason for my ick. The victim blaming and even phrasing he uses is…. like you said, outdated at best. (The first SA victim and calling children of abusive parents lucky?! I get the sentiment there, but the wording was tacky) I noticed it’s mostly filler in the pages between jabs and trying too hard to sound…. profoundly in tune with the subject, so it was already dragging. After reading the DV quote, both here and on reviews, I think I’ll go ahead and skip this one. I heard about this book through tiktok and everyone was raving about it, but I genuinely think I’m going to sit this one out…

    28. Before there was a study on experiences, there was the experience. The earliest psychologists did not have any studies to cite…

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