Crime and Punishment

I’m going to the big city to study law, lawyers make lots of money and I’m brilliant so it’ll be easy for me. Oh I’ll need to get a part-time job to earn the couple of kopeks it’ll cost each semester, nah that’s beneath me I’m just going to drop out.

I don’t need money I don’t really eat ever so I’ll be fine. Wait no I’m hungry I’d better go find someone to sell my dad’s old ring to. Okay this old pawnbroker lady took it and now I’m inexplicably needing a pint, which I only ever crave when it’ll lead me to a crucial plot point, here’s a tavern in I go.

I bet that old bitch has loads of money, I know I’m brilliant and therefore above the law, maybe I should hatchet her. Wait I’m eavesdropping now and those guys playing pool are saying how easy it would be to hatchet her. What a coincidence! That must be a sign to go ahead and do it.

Okay I’m hungry again let’s see if she’ll buy my dad’s old watch. Okay she’s only given me a couple cents for it she’s a really tight bitch, oh well I’ll get it all back when I hatchet her.

I don’t know if hatcheting an old woman is the best idea. Wait there’s her half-sister who lives with her, she’s just announcing to whoever that she’ll be out of the house tomorrow evening at seven! Right, I’ll go hatchet that old woman at seven tomorrow evening then.

Okay so today’s the day of the murder. Good thing I woke up bright and early, plenty of time for a nap. Crap I slept in and it’s already six! Better hurry and get this done. It’s half seven when I get to her house. Choppity-chop. Oh no her sister’s back and just watching me!! Choppity-chop. Okay what’s she got, here’s her keys, I know she’s a fortune in this old case, let me try a key. Didn’t work! I’ll try another key. Didn’t work! Okay there’s only a couple keys left, but I’ve spent enough time on this, let’s just leave it.

There are men at the door!! Oh they’re gone. Off I go!

What’ll I do now? Maybe my buddy can get me some lessons. Oh wait, now that I’m here, I forgot, I don’t want to work. Okay bye. He follows me home and sees I’m going insane! Good thing he’ll stick by me no matter what, that means I can really lay into him about how stupid he is. Better bury the couple jewels and things that old woman had.

Oh a letter from my mom! She’s coming here and my sister is engaged! Here’s her fiancé. I don’t like him, he’s mean. Here’s my family! Keep away from me.

Okay I met a drunk guy earlier in the book and helped him stumble home. I’m heading out, going to tell a bunch of people I killed that old bitch, but it’s okay I’ll say “just kidding” every time. Oh there’s that old guy, he stumbled into the street and got run over! Here’s his house, let’s get him in. Ope, he’s dead. Better give his widow everything I have. Her daughter’s a prostitute, oh my sister’s fiancé doesn’t like that. He’s saying I gave her the money!!

Her old boss who made a pass at her is here now. It’s immediately obvious he killed his wife, but I don’t think we’re supposed to know that yet. He’s moving in next door to the prostitute, we don’t know that either.

The widow of that drunk guy is putting on a lavish funeral dinner in his memory. She’s inviting the entire town and then complains that the ones who showed up weren’t classy enough for her. Nobody came to the funeral but they all came to this lunch, I guess that makes sense, Petersburg is apparently going through a famine or something, everyone here is either falling down drunk or starving. My sister’s not engaged anymore. Here’s her ex-fiancé, he’s saying the prostitute stole a hundred roubles from him!! Oh never mind he was immediately proven wrong. We don’t see him again he’s just a loser now and we can move on.

I have to tell someone I murdered those women. I only feel bad because I killed the younger sister, she shouldn’t have been there, never mind the fact I slept in! I know, I’ll tell that prostitute. No need to whisper. Her next door neighbour is that sleazy guy and he heard everything, shit.

The ace detective comes to my house and eventually admits he knows I did it. He figured it out once I went around telling everyone I did it. That’s not fair though, I had my fingers crossed behind my back! He’ll give me a few days to turn myself in though, he says he knows I won’t run away. Good thing he’s right, damn those ace attorneys!!

Okay I just found out my sister’s old boss knows I did it. He’s telling my sister, She also twigs that he murdered his wife! She takes out his gun and misses him a bunch with it. Oh wait he just killed himself with it, okay.

Now that there’s no evidence against me whatsoever, I’d better go turn myself in. The prostitute follows me. I marry her, my sister marries my buddy, my mom dies of shame that I got arrested.